Pushing through this..

Today I almost ended up doing absolutely nothing again, I stayed up all night because I couldn't bare to sleep and finally blacked out hours before I had to be up in the morning, only to wake in cold a sweat. Palms clammy, spirits diminished, and head full of negativity I decided to check my phone. 

My lady friend decided to spend 2 hours blowing up my phone with more depressing stuff to contemplate, such as: 

"I don't see a point to life..i hate my family my job and your horrible to me", 

I see a point to life, love and be loved... Try and keep trying, live and learn... We all make mistakes, it's all in how you learn from them and learn to live with yourself enough to move on. If you'd like some help, refer to chart A.

This is chart A.

and "I see the future as ur friends convincing you u did nothing wrong and then getting high all the time and talking to girls online," 

Thank you, ICanHas

Firstly, If I were to speak to any girls that I'd like to persue, it is most likely going to be in person - like at the mall, or something. Though, I honestly don't find my self a suitable suitor for any girl right now, I'm simply just not in the right place, mentally. I also have some definite soul searching to do. I know I am in the wrong, Hell, we both fucked up... a lot.... I guess deep down I didn't really trust her from Day 1. I'm doing all I can to make it better, and as far as clouding my judgement up with toxins goes...I've been down that road after a bad break up before, how do you think I got myself into this mess IN THE FIRST PLACE? I refuse to put anything in my body that is going to alter my perception of reality, at least while I'm still vulnerable and highly susceptible to control.      

and then she felt like she needed to throw an "I knew youd be just like ur dad" in the mix,
It's obvious no one really cares to hear about my father, but he looks like a damned pirate and needless to say I am not as she says.

Fffuuuu, fights..what a headache.

 and proceeded to tell me I had also somehow "become just like her mother".

Yeah... I don't think so.

I strongly believe there is someone out there for everyone, and at first, she was my perfect other half... Shit happens, as a lesson and a rule of thumb - don't lie to someone if you can see a future with them, even the smallest most insignificant lies can spiral into some great vast entity of imminent devastation. Do I still see a future with this girl? Right now... I can't see a future with anyone, deep down I hope one day when we both mature a bit more we might have a slim chance of being together, as long as we both stay true to ourselves and don't lie to each other. 

Well I suppose I'll keep on keepin' on, just like I always do. Have high hopes and stay motivated my friends, it's time to step out into the world. I'm pushing through this

To Graceland.

The interview went really well, I met the man I spoke to on the phone and emailed with, "Jim". Nice guy, and apparently he served in the army for a while. I would be packaging jewelry up for sale. The pay is 25 cents per piece... That's where my problem lies, that is the shittiest rate of compensation EVER! It's more than I'm making now, so I can't complain... But I am going to have to work my hands off if I wanna make any money.It'll be alright, my search for stable work goes on... If I didn't want to go to school and further my education I would have had a job. The lady at Weinerschnitzle would have hired me, she needed someone that had completely open availability for the next several months.

Moral of today's story: When doors open for you, don't be afraid to jump through them. If you hesitate for too long the door might close.

My hunger for human flesh grows stronger with each passing moment, and I... I don't know how much more of this temptation I can take.

I wonder how we actually taste, I'm sure it fluctuates at least a little from person to person - as well as in the method you cook our meat in. Our intrigue and curiosity for the taboo ways of cannibalistic culture grew and grew as we watched clip after clip, but it all started with this awesome music video for German Industrial metal band Rammstein's song "Mein Tell" in which the author decided to educate and peak the interest of his viewers with the kill counts of several real life serial killers, (some of them I had already known about, while others like Albert Fish, I did not). Which trailed off into this six part documentary covering the psychological profiles of Jefferey Dahmer, Andrei Chikatilo, and Albert Fish.

Many more clips of popular serial killers later, somehow we stumble upon this. The introduction for a documentary called Interview With a Cannibal. This video followed the gruesome acts of Armin Meiwes, a creepy German shut-in from Rothenburg that cooked and ate a dude he met on the internet, after having sex with him. For the full backstory to what he did and who he was follow this link, then download the Rapidshare files. It's worth it if you're interested in this sorta thing. You could also go here for the short, written version. I don't like it as much because you don't get to see the creep-o and other witnesses talk first hand about his life.

According to Meiwes, we taste most similar to pork. He packaged up different parts of the man he murdered and kept them in a cooler to be prepared and eaten in different ways over a period of months. I think I'll take his word on it, although I still think we probably vary in taste a little bit depending on the persons body composition and the way we're prepared.

For my readers: Don't worry, this isn't going to turn into some creepy cannibalism/occultism-obsessive blog.

Also, if you're more receptive to learning things through melody, I want you to have this.

I have one last creepy/morbid thing to show you, then I'm done. As some of you may know... YouTube is now partnered with Google and have been allowing a lot of material to pass through the filters on their website for a while now. This includes tons of user-created content, as well as naughty material, and ridiculous improv dance videos with naked people in them. (I'm not kidding at all, I only wish I could even begin to start finding this video... Maybe if I come across it one day I will post it, god it was weird. It was apparently someones group project for a class.) One night a good internet friend of mine introduced me to a gruesome little YouTube gem, Tainted Milk. A friend of mine that thinks spirits follow her and is into all stuff morbid couldn't watch it because she said she'd seen a face from the movie before and she didn't like it, for some reason. It's a strange, morbid independent short and it's definitely not for the feint of heart or the weak of mind. I even had to watch something happy afterwards... Bambi, Validated.
Validated is an adorable short about a man who works as a parking permit validation person... He spends all his time complementing people and making them smile while providing them with free parking. Until one day, at the DMV, he meets a woman that never, ever smiles. It's a wonderful short with a touching ending and well worth the seventeen minutes of your time. It really is a beautiful independent movie, beautifully directed...beautifully written....the actors even did amazing work. I have no idea how I found this but it's been in my heart ever since.

I'd like to take this time to mention that I happen to finally be doing it right, my adsense stats are updating fine, my CTR is great, and everything is generally on the up. Oh, and I have an interview for a job as a packaging person tomorrow at 1:30 in the afternoon. I'm gonna nail it! :)

Gevalia Kaffe - Special Headhunters Blend

For some reason I'm not so sure I'm receiving any clicks, which leads me to wonder.. Is anyone receiving mine? I am so noob at this.

Several months back, the ladyfriend suddenly became intrigued with cannibals, and we became hooked in a game of youtube reels and we hopped from video to video, our curiosity and fascination growing with every piece of footage we observed.

While I forget exactly where it started in the world of youtube, somehow we were led here: Going Tribal: Living With Cannibals. We were introduced to a portion in the middle of an episode, and once we had finished watching it... Fascinated as all Hell, we wanted more. We craved it. Personally, I just wanted to see if they were going to eat the white man or not. We went and watched it from the beginning and watched several episodes of the white man's time with the cannibals. It was pretty interesting, he somehow managed to befriend a few of the tribes and learn their customs. They had some pretty weird ass games, like this one where they beat the shit out of each other with long poles.

That was cute, but watch as they make this poor guy drink a cup of cow's blood! And we don't even know how many people have sipped off that cup prior to his drinking, I'm not a germaphobe or anything but that sounds pretty disgusting! The first episode of this show takes place in a place called West Papua, in Indonesia, and today while I was brewing up some coffee I couldn't help but notice that the new box of Gevalia I was opening was a Limited Edition blend, straight from Papua, New Guinea. 

When I snipped the head of the bag off into the trash, the deep delicious aroma of the limited edition blend surrounded and overwhelmed my senses, and I just couldn't wait to get those grounds in the pot. As it brewed the lovely scent flooded my humble abode and it was like caffeine wonderland up in this bitch. Mmm, it's almost a shame that I'm trying to stay away from caffeine for the next few years. 

That's right - I'm giving up mind/chemistry altering things like smoking, drinking, and taking caffeine/any pills for the next 2-5 years. I figure I have quite a bit of growing to do and it would help if I did it without the aid of any substances. Wish me luck~

"Right from the cannibalistic headhunting tribes themselves."

...Oh, on a side note - apparently it isn't gay if it is in a three way, I'm sure you know what this entails. However, I will leave you with this instead.

Today I decided to do absolutely nothing...

Well, I suppose creating this blog constitutes as something... So I can't say that anymore. Oh well~

I have been feeling more and more motivated these days, which is good because that means I'm coming out of my recent slump. (I have been suffering from a great plague of lethargy, emptiness, uselessness, worthlessness, and just general depression. Probably had something to do with losing my job, being morally confused, and being around people that try to manipulate you daily.. Which, now that I actually sit here and think about it, is starting to make more and more sense.)

Depression is very serious business, for real. Especially when you don't go to "get it taken care of". I have found, when I'm demotivated...when I don't even want to get out of bed in the morning or put on clean clothes, it's very hard to do much of anything - and I always feel
terrible. Usually my entire day continues on in this awkward, slow, manic-depressive manner of fashion and I find it hard to smile at anything, and extremely difficult to get excited. What has helped me the most so far with self motivation has been exercise. Exercise, meditation, and music. If I don't keep myself active and busy I have a tendency to get bored, and boredom can lead to a multitude of negative vibrations... I like to wake up a certain way, and it seems to get me motivated and ready to go out and do things. Here's the order:

  • First, I pry myself out from under the covers, I get up and lull around for a spell, and then I eventually take care of my morning duties.
"This is what I look like when I'm half asleep."

  • Next I look in the mirror for a few minutes and decide whether or not I feel like doing anything with my face:
  • Regardless, I jump into a nice hot relaxing shower. A few minutes in I begin to cool the water off slowly, until it's just near freezing. Trying not to hyperventilate, I breathe myself into a mild state of meditation 'neath the rushing water.

  • If I decided I needed to trim up and maintain my facial hair, (ah shit... Again?!) I break out the razor and do my bidding, trying not to slice into any acne or skin.

  • Wrapped in a towel, I proceed to turn the computer on - if it isn't already - and throw on some morning jams, (I have to be careful to only put on positive or motivational [by my standards] music or I can fuck up my entire process and possibly end up glued to my lazyboy for hours until I end up getting out of the house).

  • Sometimes I fill this blank in the lineup with some breakfast to temporarily pacify my hollow. Sometimes I feel inspired to practice culinary artistry, but moments like those have been few and far between recently. See "Obese Burrito", or "Rainbow Cakez" {notyetwritten} for prime examples of these random flickers of inspiration.

(In case you were wondering; Yes, I cook naked.)

  • I wriggle into some boxer shorts and drop to the floor, where I proceed to do what has become, to this day, 25 push ups. I like to increase by 5 every week that I do them. I then finish getting ready, grab my phone, throw some shoes on, and grab my skateboard...woosh! It's time to go for a ride.

That's what gets me out of the house, then I'm tasked with surrounding myself with greatness and filling my day with tons of other things that keep me motivated, it's a long and difficult road.

Things To Help Get My Day On The Right Track:

Texting your sober friends

"Sober looking people drinking coffee, the white man's drug."

Making a To-Do list
"You're doing it all wrong."

"Just kidding, I don't masturbate with stolen cheese."

Masturbating with stolen cheese

"But this guy really does."